One thing I love about little kids is that they still know how fabulous they are! They are loving and caring and not concerned about perfectionism.

Practice Radical Self-Love.

You are worth it! You are amazing! You are truly divine! You are a beautiful expression of the universe’s longing to manifest consciousness! You are an expression of perfection, just the way you are!

Did the previous paragraph make you feel uncomfortable, disgusted or threatened?

Some people are afraid to love themselves because they don’t want to be narcissistic, and that’s understandable and admirable. But I think a lot of people misunderstand what narcissism actually is.

Narcissists are people with big egos. They actually don’t love their real, authentic selves! They are afraid of the real spectrum of emotion, so they desperately chase good feelings, but, ironically, cheat themselves out of the best feelings because they can’t bear to face the messy parts.

I think everyone acts narcissistic sometimes. Anytime that you tell yourself a cute little story in which there are very clearly-defined good guys and bad guys (no shades of gray), and in this story you are entirely not responsible for any consequences of any of your actions, and then you chase cheap thrills to make yourself feel better on a superficial ego level, then you are acting narcissistic. So, yeah, I’m pretty sure everyone does that sometimes. It’s called being human! (And immature. Most people grow out of that, I think.)

But people who are called narcissists are very strongly identifiable by being habitually like this, and not growing out of it, even when it is very hurtful to other people. Narcissists tend to just get worse and worse the older they get, not better. Regular (not-narcissistic) people tend to be willing to change when they realize they are really hurting others. For most people, their care for their loved ones eclipses their fear of facing reality. But to a narcissist, their ego will always comes first no matter how hurt anyone else is. Of course, the narcissist won’t see it this way. Remember, the narcissist is not in touch with reality. Their brain is truly broken on some level. This is why I personally choose not to identify narcissism as a character flaw, but rather view it as a mental illness. Narcissism is always caused by some kind of neglect or trauma in the person’s childhood.

Now, a little background on personality disorders. Some people with traumatic childhoods will develop personality disorders such as narcissism, whereas other people with the same kind of exposure to trauma, won’t. It’s not necessarily a matter of superior moral character or who suffered more. I know we want to make it that simple so that we can decide who’s better and who’s more deserving and who isn’t. Unfortunately life isn’t that clear-cut. It’s a matter of what kind of brain you were born with, and then, on top of what you were born with, your brain’s resilience to trauma is affected by your diet as a child (what you ate), and any possible brain injuries or toxins that you were exposed to which also affect brain function. Some people are just born with stronger muscles, heartier hearts, shinier hair, sharper eyes, etc. Other people are born with physical ailments, including the whole spectrum of brain functionality.

If you were born with a resilient brain, that makes you fortunate, not necessarily a worthier person. So it’s okay to extend understanding and empathy. You never know what kind of brain functionality someone was born with, and/or what kind of trauma they were exposed to. (An amazing book about this subject is called “Change Your Brain, Change Your Life” by Dr. Daniel Amen. I also blogged about this earlier.)

I addressed those last couple of paragraphs to non-narcissists, since narcissists will be too much in denial to identify themselves as narcissistic anyway. Hint: if you think you might be a narcissist, that’s a pretty good sign that you’re probably not. Most narcissists believe that they are perfect. Really.

Anyway, that’s why narcissists have to be so fake and superficial. They are absolutely scared of what lies beneath their shiny facades. When I say scared, I mean on a really primal level. In their subconscious minds, facing reality = painful and certain death. They lack the emotional resources to deal with difficult emotions, so they build up these defenses where they are just out of touch with reality whenever reality collides with their ego. Don’t assume that someone is like you and can just suck it up. Maybe they can, maybe not, but you have no idea what anyone else is dealing with, so there is really no point in judging.

Now, on the other hand, to be hard and jaded and rude, is no more enlightened than to be fake and narcissistic.

People who are hard and jaded and rude have faced their difficult emotions, and are not dwelling in denial like the narcissist, so that’s great. But, they have not taken the next step to accepting and loving themselves. Again, as with narcissism, there is a spectrum of normal human behavior. I think everyone is harsh and rude sometimes. But to be habitually that way, shows that you really don’t love yourself.

If this describes you, this is not your fault. No one really chooses to be like that. It is a natural result of what you have experienced up until now. Once the brain builds any neural connections, it’s like ruts going down a hill from the habitual flow of rainwater. You can guide the water into new paths but it requires a concerted effort. In the same way, it requires a concerted effort to build new neural pathways. Blaming– yourself or anyone else– doesn’t help: not only is it disingenuous, but it only strengthens the existing neural pathways.

You can tell when someone is truly okay with who and where they are, because not only are they honest, but they are also respectful. They understand that people don’t have to be perfect to be loved. They feel good about themselves, not because they think they are perfect like the narcissist, but because they value the messy process of real life, and that generosity of spirit pours out of their hearts, over to everyone they come in contact with.

Loving yourself starts with being gracious to yourself in regards to your own shortcomings– but not ignoring them or acting defensive about them. Of course you recognize and acknowledge that you are flawed and imperfect, and that’s part of truly LOVING yourself the way you are now.

Only by truly accepting yourself and adoring yourself for exactly what you are NOW, can you free yourself to grow and change naturally and beautifully. You have to nurture yourself gently and then that will overflow to others around you.

You may say, “But why should I want to change? I like myself the way I am now.” This is that defensiveness I mentioned. That’s your Ego talking. We all have one. Love your Ego, adore it– it protected you when you were a little child. When no one else was there to save you, your ego kept you safe. Truly! So give that Ego a great big appreciative hug, and then, put him or her in a nice comfortable place, somewhere where s/he is NOT in charge of running your life anymore! S/he’s had a good run– let Ego retire comfortably.

Change is life. When you stop growing and improving yourself, you stagnate and your soul dies. It’s okay to know that you want more. More from yourself, and more out of life. That doesn’t mean you aren’t lovable and awesome and amazing the way you are now! But growing and stretching yourself to new and bigger challenges is kind of the biggest adventure of life, and if you are skipping that because you think you are “fine just the way you are”, then I am sorry to say I think you are missing out on the greatest fun that life has to offer.

You deserve more, and only you have the power to give yourself that gift. For some people, facing their own inner world could be one of the scariest/bravest things they will ever do, but everyone deserves the rewards that follow. That’s when you really realize how powerful you are! And, it’s kind of thrilling.

Only by truly accepting yourself and adoring yourself for exactly what you are NOW, can you free yourself to grow and change naturally and beautifully into the divine enlightened being that it is your birthright to be. Criticizing yourself and shaming yourself will never get you where you want and deserve to be. (This is true with criticizing and shaming other people, too– it just doesn’t help.) You are amazing; never stop allowing your own self to shine like the sun. When you start acting like you know it, it becomes contagious, and you give other people permission to shine like the sun, as well.

Because there is not empty space between us– there is matter– everything is matter. If you were able to see things on a cellular level, you would see that there is no strongly defined line between where my skin ends and the air around me starts– no more than where one subcutaneous layer of skin versus another begins or ends. Skin, bones, air molecules, me, you, we are all, literally, connected.

So acknowledge your influence, own it, and use it. Go shine like the sun. ♥

[P.S. If you recognize that you were raised by a narcissist or people with strongly narcissistic traits, you might like the website Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers. Obviously it's aimed at and for women but it's the best online resource for children of narcissists that I know of.]